12 weeks ago I sprained my ankle. I doctored it myself. “What would the doctor tell me to do I didn’t already know?” I thought. Unfortunately, I re-injured it. Like tree sap flowing down the side of a pine tree in winter, I slowly continued to tear apart my ankle by walking on it.
Finally I went to the doctor when I couldn’t bear weight on it. MRI was nasty. To me it looks like I have spaghetti instead of muscles in my ankle. Vertical split tear…partial interstitial tear…tenosynovitis…inflammation into the bone…that, dear one, is one class A, super-stupendous ankle injury.
Now I have been told there is a s-l-i-m chance I can avoid surgery if I am ‘compliant’ and don’t walk on it. I have a boot cast which I’m allowed to remove for the shower only. Now I am stuck in the middle of having a very busy life and not being able to move through it, save for crutches and a wheelchair.
Coincidentally, I have embraced a new way of eating and have lost 10 pounds. I couldn’t wait to ‘heal up’ so I could add exercise to my new commitment to health. Cue flushing noise as all of that goes down the toilet.
Or does it?
This past weekend we celebrated Thanksgiving in New York City. We borrowed a wheelchair from church. While my husband braved frozen rain and sleep deprivation to share the parade with the children, I was on the couch in the apartment. Depression settled on my shoulders like a heavy, wet, cold blanket. My Doxie was my companion for bad movies and endless napping.
I put on a brave face as my husband hefted me through Manhattan. I even managed a smile for the lovely Scottish tourists who chatted me up whilst the kids skated Rockefeller Center.
As they ‘parked’ me in various corners to get coffee, I attempted to shrug off my all too familiar companion-failure. Of course I wouldn’t be able to continue the eat less part of this journey. How could I? Four slices of Ray’s pizza and three diet cokes later, I fell into a carb, fat, sugary slumber as the car made its way home.
I have a choice. I can, once again, do what I have always done and give in. I can agree with the destructive self-talk of defeat, blame and pain (physical AND emotional). Or I can take this boot into the backside to push me forward.
The boulders in front of me are HUGE. I have to trust those in my life to care for me when I barely know how to care for myself. I have to stay committed to filling my plate and my heart with good things. I have to choose, minute by minute, not to give up. I have to stand up to the challenges before me and decide to go through, over or around because standing still is no longer an option.
So, in what areas of your life is standing still no longer an option? Share in the comments. We can climb the boulders together!
Eat Less. Pray More and Love Abundantly. Grand themes for this blog.
As I peeked at my ever so few offerings, I notice I avoid one in particular-eat less.
It’s just food. Eat less and move more. Don’t need a trainer or expensive gym membership to understand or implement this simple truth.
Yet and still, I sit here, picking caramel popcorn kernels from my teeth and stretching my aching knees.
In my mind, I understand I have a negative body image. In my heart, I am still the gawky, brainy adolescent who was too smart, too loud and definitely too big.
For work I was researching youth videos from a recent TEDx event. I was searching for a clip I could include in an upcoming presentation. I love when young people stand tall and proud, declaring in their unique voice truth for all who would hear. Today, I heard a truth which touched my heart and had me taking the stairs.
Watch, as I did from my desk today:
Until I can fit into a sparkly prom dress I will do two things. 1) I’ll go into that prom boutique and scowl at the lady, perhaps spilling a latte’ on her stick figure sized fashions. 2) I will remember I am beautiful on the inside and someday I will more easily see it on the outside.
I learned a trick which has actually worked for me. Routine.
Once it was a dirty word for me. Routine sounded like boredom. Who wants to do the same thing, the same way for anything?Until I saw this cute fitness guru du jour on Dr. Oz’s show (you know the one where all the housewives learn how green tea can save their marriage)?
He said that he does the same thing for food choices everyday. That way, he can plan ahead, save time and stay ‘on plan’. Sounds boring, but I thought I would give it a try.
I do the same thing for breakfast everyday at work. Weekends are different on purpose. Hence, I’m not bored. I do a shake, some supplements and a coffee.
The best part about this? I don’t have to think.
With all that is going on in my life, having less to rattle around my consciousness is a very good thing. And, when gulped fast enough, one of those weight loss shakes aren’t half bad.
What is your breakfast of champions?
The “Eat Less” version of this blog has been the least explored. I needed some time to make it official. 11 pounds later it’s official. I am eating less.
Weight is the heaviest issue in my physical life. It’s the physical manifestation of my stress and doubt. It’s the insulation I have unconsciously loaded around me, as if I can insulate myself in fat from the cold cruel world.
If food is my drug of choice to numb emotions and sugar my way through challenges, where did I even start? By eating less.
I didn’t want to mention it on the blog until I was able to make it a few months. After a routine visit to the doctors office, and the requisite weigh in, I made it.
I have a long, long way to go.
However, starting well has taken a load off.
I’ll keep you posted.