On the way to the bus, my 5 year old screamed, “Mom! Look at this!”
In grass bejeweled by the morning dew, lay a gossamer miracle. A spider spent the night spinning a web held aloft by grass columns. The craftspider was nowhere to be found, no doubt passed out from exhaustion beneath the mammoth structure.
It was beautiful and by the afternoon, it was gone.
A few mornings later, this is what we saw as we waited for the bus.
There it was again.
The spider did what a spider does. She spun a web. (In my head all spiders are the gloriously bulbous, wisdom spouting greatness of Charlotte or Miss Spider of Sunny Patch fame.)
As I take this journey to eat less, pray more and love abundantly, there have been many questions which have been presented to me. The spider web brought up some more.
The spider created something beautiful in the middle of harsh stones. It relied upon fragile blades of grass to keep it elevated. What am I creating in the middle of the sharp stones of my own life? The fragility of faith, friendship and finances-are they keeping me from creating anything?
The spider did what she does best-spin webs. What do I do best?
It’s been raining and cold for many days here, so we haven’t seen if the intrepid spider remains. I wouldn’t be surprised when the sun shines again, to find the spin stopped never. I also will not be surprised to spin a few webs of my own.
So, what are you creating? Is it time for you to emerge from the crags of your life and spin? What do you do best? Perhaps we can spin a tale or two together.
Bravely I decided to host a small sleepover for my son’s 9th birthday. There was very little sleep and I was over it by the time the movie matinee credits rolled.
One of the attendees was enamored with our ancient miniature dachshund Frankie. He said his Uncle Dave has one too. He then looked at me and said, “Uncle Dave has Sad Sickness. He’s really sad all the time. His son was killed then just a few weeks later his dad dies. That’s why he has the Sad Sickness.”
From the mouth of a 9 year old babe-Sad Sickness. It is the perfect definition of depression. And depression is what makes me sad. I have the Sad Sickness.
In my last post I hinted I would write about what has changed the direction of this less/more/abundant life blog. It’s Sad Sickness.
Sarah Silverman, described depression this way, as a feeling of being incredibly homesick while sitting in your own livingroom among friends and family. To me my bones are melted and I can do nothing but sit and fade into oblivion. This is coupled with the searing self-judgement which screams, “Failure! Screw up!” The jello skeleton and cacophony of self-insults is often punctuated by, “Better off dead!”
Mine was first officially diagnosed, five years ago, as post-partum depression and anxiety after the birth of my second son. After a somewhat half-baked attempt at therapy, and a few years of meds, I declared myself well.
In another blog-writing project, http://www.memorablemama.blogspot.com, depression was a gorilla. Recently, pounding it’s hairy chest and sitting on my soul, depression breathed it’s foul stench into my lungs and again melted me to the core.
I thought launching another blog would magically make me better. Just like last time…right?
I have depression. But depression doesn’t have me. Not anymore.
I wrote the following on my facebook page. I needed to share my frustration at my inability to express to folks why I couldn’t respond to their messages, make plans, or generally engage in ‘normal’ life.
It’s a start. It’s one of the first bullets into the heart of the beast.
I am using all the tools at my disposal to take the heart from the beast and slay it forever. Less depression. More healing. Abundant life.
Here’s the first five things which need to be shared.
Top 5 Things You Should Know About Depression
5. “Just get over it,” relates to driving over speed bumps, not mental/physical/spiritual and emotional anguish such as this.
4. “Just play praise and worship music all day and night,” serves only to reinforce the self-perception that we are failures spiritually as well as emotionally, physically, professionally, etc. If that worked, Michael W. Smith would be King of the World; alas he is not, Justin Bieber holds the title.
3. If you call/message and there is no response, don’t take it personally. If you do take it personally then please stop calling/messaging as you are not able to walk this road with us. If you have what it takes, and it takes a lot, keep calling/messaging. We hear you and it means more than you could possibly know.
2. Please assume our answer to, “Have you tried….” will be in the affirmative. If we haven’t, we will when we can. If we have, and it has failed, we prefer not to relive it’s failure with anyone.
1. Depression is real. It hurts. Depression is not fatal. It’s able to be overcome. And more people than you know suffer from it.
This message brought to you by someone trying everything to ‘get over it’ whilst answering your messages with praise and worship music playing in the background.
Drive through please.