Sad Sickness

Bravely I decided to host a small sleepover for my son’s 9th birthday.   There was very little sleep and I was over it by the time the movie matinee credits rolled.

One of the attendees was enamored with our ancient miniature dachshund Frankie.  He said his Uncle Dave has one too.  He then looked at me and said, “Uncle Dave has Sad Sickness.  He’s really sad all the time.  His son was killed then just a few weeks later his dad dies.  That’s why he has the Sad Sickness.”

From the mouth of a 9 year old babe-Sad Sickness.  It is the perfect definition of depression.  And depression is what makes me sad.  I have the Sad Sickness.

In my last post I hinted I would write about what has changed the direction of this less/more/abundant life blog.  It’s Sad Sickness.

Sarah Silverman, described depression this way, as a feeling of being incredibly homesick while sitting in your own livingroom among friends and family.  To me my bones are melted and I can do nothing but sit and fade into oblivion.  This is coupled with the searing self-judgement which screams, “Failure! Screw up!”  The jello skeleton and cacophony of self-insults is often punctuated by, “Better off dead!”

Mine was first officially diagnosed, five years ago, as post-partum depression and anxiety after the birth of my second son.  After a somewhat half-baked attempt at therapy, and a few years of meds, I declared myself well.

In another blog-writing project, http://www.memorablemama.blogspot.com, depression was a gorilla. Recently,  pounding it’s hairy chest and sitting on my soul, depression breathed it’s foul stench into my lungs and again melted me to the core.

I thought launching another blog would magically make me better.  Just like last time…right?

Wrong.

I have depression.  But depression doesn’t have me.  Not anymore.

I wrote the following on my facebook page.  I needed to share my frustration at my inability to express to folks why I couldn’t respond to their messages, make plans, or generally engage in ‘normal’ life.

It’s a start.  It’s one of the first bullets into the heart of the beast.

I am using all the tools at my disposal to take the heart from the beast and slay it forever.  Less depression.  More healing.  Abundant life.

Here’s the first five things which need to be shared.

Top 5 Things You Should Know About Depression

5. “Just get over it,” relates to driving over speed bumps, not mental/physical/spiritual and emotional anguish such as this.
4. “Just play praise and worship music all day and night,” serves only to reinforce the self-perception that we are failures spiritually as well as emotionally, physically, professionally, etc. If that worked, Michael W. Smith would be King of the World; alas he is not, Justin Bieber holds the title.
3. If you call/message and there is no response, don’t take it personally. If you do take it personally then please stop calling/messaging as you are not able to walk this road with us. If you have what it takes, and it takes a lot, keep calling/messaging. We hear you and it means more than you could possibly know.
2. Please assume our answer to, “Have you tried….” will be in the affirmative. If we haven’t, we will when we can. If we have, and it has failed, we prefer not to relive it’s failure with anyone.
1. Depression is real. It hurts. Depression is not fatal. It’s able to be overcome. And more people than you know suffer from it.

This message brought to you by someone trying everything to ‘get over it’ whilst answering your messages with praise and worship music playing in the background.

Drive through please.

2 comments

  1. deepsouldiving

    I know what you mean (somewhat, everyone has a unique experience) But lately I’ve felt like I’m trying to move the muscles in my face, even if still doesn’t resemble a smile yet. I’ve been thinking recently, wrestling with hope, disappointment, and failed expectations; what other road is there other than hope? Wallowing in even realistic hopelessness? I know I don’t want to live that kind of life. Even if it’s a hope that just that makes you go one more step, one more day, hoping to find the pot of gold at the end of the road. And even if you don’t find what you were looking for, yes, disappointment will be great, but you can acknowledge and be proud of the fact that you made it to the end; that you didn’t give up. There may be another storm soon again when this one is over, but by the next time around we can only hope to learn to enjoy the feeling of rain on our skin.

    “‘I solemnly swear as I live,” declares the Lord, “you will wear all of them like jewels and display them on yourself as a bride would.”
    Though you are destroyed and demolished and your land is in ruins, you will be too crowded for your people now. Those who devoured you will be long gone. The children taken from you will say to you, “This place is too crowded for me. Make room for me to live here.”
    Then you will ask yourself, “Who has fathered these children for me? I was childless and unable to have children. I was exiled and rejected. Who raised these children for me? I was left alone. Where have they come from?”

    This is what the Almighty Lord says:
    I will lift my hand to signal the nations. I will raise my flag for the people. They will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders. Then kings will be your foster fathers, and queens will nurse you.
    They will bow in front of you with their faces touching the ground.
    They will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who wait with hope for me will not be put to shame.”
    -Isaiah 48:18-23

    The Lord has not forgotten Israel.

    – Gabbi

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s