Recently I traveled for a conference for work. As I entered my room, something stopped me. Frozen in place I saw I had been given a suite, with a sitting room, a galley kitchenette and separate bedroom. I reached for my cell phone, ready to call my boss, convinced I had been given the wrong room.
I said aloud, “I belong in this room.” Taking a deep breath I then began to unpack.
It’s not that I believe I need to have the best of the best of everything. I’m not that complicated a gal. However, my recoiling at a nice hotel room betrayed a deeper identity issue. I don’t believe I am worthy of anything.
Eating less, praying more and loving abundantly must begin in me first. Otherwise, I’m staring at the back of the mirror I’m holding in front of you.
For too long I was caught in the tyranny of the future. I hated so much the dizzying array of random heartaches and stupid decisions that I lived for tomorrow-for it just HAD to be better.
It meant I have rarely been satisfied with where I am-right now. I looked over the heads of my boys as they grew, focusing on how I would pay for their college or be able to buy a home where they don’t have to share a bedroom. I looked around my husband and minimized his suffering through the same heartaches as I.
Standing in that hotel room, I made a decision. I made a decision to belong right where I am, wherever that may be. I would drag my eyes from the horizon and really focus on what is around me. A co-worker stepping into their own professionally. A son apologizing, on his own, for being a smart ass. A husband sharing his heart and it’s aches over appetizers in his favorite sports bar. My father’s shaking hand in mine as I guide him to bed.
Surrounded by markers and crayons, the casualties of overdue 4th grade reading projects, the last thing I wanted to do was write. Yet, this blog I have carried for nearly 3 weeks and I’m tired. I want to make room for other ideas or for a dreamless sleep. Some of those ideas will be shot down (I’m 0 for 2 at work this week) and some will not. Either way, there will be a place for them to land.
Right where I am is right, for me. Share where is right for you. I would love to hear about it.