“Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!”
One can’t be within 5 feet of a girl under the age of thirteen and not hear this Princess power anthem. I’ve read feminist blogs heralding it as the next, “I am Woman Hear Me Roar”. I’ve also read blogs by men decrying the fact that young women are emotionally brittle and being ‘bad’ is now the new ‘good’.
I’ll admit, I’ve sung it at the top of my lungs. Once I startled the pharmacy tech. at Rite Aid who then joined me in a tinny verse through the microphone.
For a very long time I’ve identified with Elsa. Conceal. Don’t feel. Don’t let them know. Don’t let them know what? I’m a hot mess.
So, now ‘they’ know or are beginning to suspect. My kid’s school expects me to be the parent who races a check or a permission slip to the office, days late. My husband has given up on a clean house and learned to step over the unpacked suitcase from a trip three weeks ago. My kids consider protein bars or cereal perfectly acceptable dinners. I recently was futzing with pictures and discovered I’ve had these double chins for over a decade. Those are all facts. Facts which might be changed.
I’ve been in the fight/failure/free fall for so long, I don’t know how to do normal. Sounds weird but I don’t know how to do this life without some crisis looming over my head. No one is unemployed. Every debt is paid. No one is dying or divorcing. We can pay our bills. I have a couple friends who have my heart and my back. My kids are healthy and my brother is basking in the love of a great woman. Things are good. Frankly, things are better than they ever have been and that terrifies me.
Went to see the movie, “The Fault in Our Stars”. Had an ugly cry. Cancer. Death. Love. Courageous beautiful young people. Won’t spoil the ending for you, however, it’s all about letting go. They let go while holding on to the good stuff.
What will you let go of? I’ll start with letting go of a myth. Like Elsa, I believed I needed to conceal and not feel. It’s a myth because we all feel-all the time. Even if we choose to conceal, it’s there, bubbling under the surface. Anger, fear, insecurity all can fester under the surface until they swell and explode.
For me grief is what I have concealed, and it began to come out at the theatre during the “Fault in Our Stars”. Poor people sitting around me. I used all my napkins as I snorted and sighed and sobbed so much my t-shirt was wet.
I want to say that the same peace which carried me through watching my father die was with me. It wasn’t.
I want to say I wiped up, stood up and bravely faced the world. I didn’t. I ran out of there and sobbed and yelled at God the whole way home.
I want to say I feel better today. I don’t.
I feel, that’s a fact. A fact I need to deal with and then let it go.
I saw this on Pinterest and will close with it.
I need to let go and not allow the past to attach itself to my future. That begins when I stop concealing and start feeling.
What will you let go of? Share in the comments.